A. Blinken

Granny Wise doesn’t like to wear her seatbelt, and I usually don’t nag her about that, or about her habit of keeping her window rolled down even when it’s bitter cold. She becomes "cranky" when nagged, and I don’t want that, especially trapped in my pickup with her. But, the other day coming back from the city, I looked in the mirror and there was a cop. "Granny, please put your seat belt on," I said. "No, thanks, I’m comfortable." "You’ll notice I don’t even start the car without putting my seat belt on." "That’s a very good boy." "If we get in a crash without your seat belt, you’ll be killed." "I should hope so. I’d hate to think what a nasty crash would do to my arthritis." "Please, Granny, there’s a cop behind us, and I don’t want to get pulled over. Just pull the belt over you and hold it if you want to." Granny turned around to see the cop; I tensed: would she make a gesture? She turned back and pulled her seat belt and snapped it "click". Granny said, "you’re nervous as a pretty gal with a bunion at a logger’s dance. You carryin’ contraband?" "No," I said, "there’s a short in the harness somewhere, my right turn signal doesn’t work, and neither does my right headlight. I’m waiting for new snow tires to change that baldy on the back left. I don’t want a fixit ticket or a clickit ticket." The cop passed us and Granny squinted. "Ain’t that Forest Service cop?" "It doesn’t matter, Granny, they’re all sworn in as everything, and they all enforce the law, besides, we’re in a national forest, don’t forget." Granny spit out the window. "God the world has gone to crap," she sighed, "my old country has become a police state, crawlin’ with do-gooders like ticks on a deer." "Oh, now, Granny, don’t get upset. It’s for your own good." She spit again, out my window this time, which was up. "Don’t try ticklin’ my knee, boy, this is a police state now, it’s clear." "No, it isn’t Granny," I said, laughing nervously. "Yeah? How ain’t it?" "Well," I said, "for one thing, in a police state, they’ll throw you in jail for SAYING it’s a police state." Granny took on a look of panic, "Well, my God, you aren’t tellin’ anybody I said that, are you?" "No, of course not, Granny," I assured her quickly. She laughed and cackled until she had to spit out her window again, "you’re easier to catch than a snorin’ hound!"