A. Blinken....I took Granny to Town today because things are cheap at the end of the year, and there were some "after Christmas gifts" Granny wanted to buy; she never buys presents before Christmas, only before Inventory. These are excerpts from my new voice recorder, which my sweet wife bought me for Christmas; I have only featured Granny’s voice in the transcript:
6:48 AM I open the door of my truck for Granny: "You’re late. I was wondering if I should start lunch. I thought about walking down the road a ways to see if you slipped off and were in the crick."
7:07 AM We drive through our little mountain town and see four cars; everybody waves: "I told you if we got a late start we’d hit traffic."
7:32 AM We drive through one of the old gold camps: "What a town this used to be. We rented a room in an old boarding house with a man who later became a state assemblyman. He offered me twenty dollars to spend ten minutes in his room; when Aaron got home he went into his room and threw all the bastard’s stuff out the window and gave him the option of the window or the stairs. When he became an assemblyman Aaron blamed himself, and said if he’d known he’d have used the window."
8:25 AM We drive through one of the small cities along the way with well preserved historical areas: "On the way back let’s get off the highway and visit the old house. Aaron got good work here as a construction account manager even though it was the depression. We were happy in that house until a Christian wanted his job. The house is a dentist’s office now."
8:58 AM Almost to the shopping center: "Get ready to get over. OK, get over. Faster! Jesus, I thought you were going to hit him, no wonder he honked, I hope he doesn’t have a gun. Look in your mirror? When I say get over you don’t need a mirror you just get. OK we need this next exit. Get ready to get over. Whoa! Holy Saints! I didn’t say ‘get over,’ I said ‘get ready.’ That was close. Oh, shut up, you’re lucky I only broke wind. Take the next exit, we’ll have to back track."
9:01 AM Finally parked in the lot of the shopping center: "Let’s get our booty and get out. This place upsets my vapors. I hate the city. God, why did we come?" (We were in the suburbs, 45 minutes from the city.)
9:34 AM To a girl clerk at an electronics counter: "Doesn’t that hurt poking through your eyebrow like that? No? Wink, let’s see. Oh, one in your tongue, too. Do you and your boyfriend tongue kiss? What does he say? He has one, too? You must generate some sparks. Where? Yeah, I’ve seen that before, big deal. Wait until you have a fifteen pound kid chewing on your nipple, that little pin prick will seem like nothin’. Where? You do not! Show me. Yeah, stand behind the counter right there, your dress is short, just turn your drawers down real quick. A.B., look at that. Doesn’t it hurt? What about when your boyfriend... Well, I guess it gives you a place to hide your house key."
10:20 AM In a lingerie store: "Look at these, do you like these? Do you think your darlin’ would like these? Pretty sexy, don’t you think? Oh, what a dud you are, A.B., you must be a constant disappointment in the sack. I think these would fit her. How big is her butt, would you say? What do you mean, you don’t know. Close your eyes. Close ‘em, don’t force me to make a little old lady scene. Now, pretend you’re kissing her, go on, pucker. Now, pretend you’re cupping her butt cheeks in your hands. Ah, that looks about right. Oh, hello, my grandson and I buying some skivvies for his wife. Do you have this in bright red?"
12:01 PM Food court: "Isn’t there anything fresh in here? Look at that, if my pap could see what they do to a potato he’d come back from the dead and mess the place up. What’s that stink? Indian food? They ate deer and whatnot, don’t blame that on the Indian. I know that, dummy, I was havin’ fun with you. That’s what they call ‘sushi’ now. When that tuna died there was a democrat in the White House. What’s this, Mexican food? Why is this the only place without a Mexican working behind the counter? Let’s get pizza, at least I know what kind of gas to expect from that. Look how many people are here, we should have come half an hour ago. Look at those girls. How old do you think they are? You probably shouldn’t be looking at them like that. Why aren’t they in school? Oh, nothing, Honey, I was just admiring your little bellybutton. Some day that will be covered with hair like a bear’s butt. Doesn’t your pap let you go to school? You girls aren’t working right now, are you? Go ahead, call security, I’m senile, there isn’t a thing they can do to me, I can say pretty much what I want at this age. This is a twenty five-dollar pizza? Isn’t very big. What kind of meat do you think that is?"
2:20 PM: "I have to use the bathroom. Yes there is, there’s one over there. Just stand here until I come out. It isn’t only women’s dressing rooms, they’re for anyone. All right, for anyone trying on women’s clothes. Just stand there, you’ll be fine. What? He’s my grandson, he’s going to wait for me while I’m in the bog. Don’t worry, he’s a good boy, he’ll try not to see anything. Look at your feet, A.B."
3:22 PM: "Look at this, A.B. Everything is made in China. All those little Chinese girls huddled in factories like slaves. The Chinese are going to own this country, A.B., don’t doubt it. Even this gory agonizing Christ on the Cross, ‘made in China.’ God, it makes me long for the days when we could afford stuff made in Japan."
4:10 PM Back in the truck: "Well, wasn’t that fun? Why don’t we do this more often? You’re the only one who’ll take me to town, A.B. I don’t understand it, look at the fun we had. I saved a bundle. I even have pizza left for breakfast. Get ready to get over. Get over! There, see, was that so hard? So he flashed his lights, people who are used to this traffic expect people to do that, that’s why the shoulder is so wide."
4:44 PM We get off the highway to look at the old house: "There it is, that’s the house. That window there is the bedroom where our first was born. Aaron found an Irish midwife, so I’d be comfortable. He took two days off work to care for me. Those were precious days, times beyond treasure.. I didn’t know it then, I was worried about money and tired from how hard we worked, but they were the beginning of the best years of my life. God, I hope I can see Aaron again, when I die. Whatever. It’s just a dentist’s office now, let’s go."
5:30 PM Back in county: "Watch out for that sheriff. You know who that is, don’t you? The bastard. He thinks he’s Dirty Harry. Shouldn’t he be retired or in a shallow grave by now? Don’t look at him like that, you’ll make him suspicious. See, he’s turning around. I hope you aren’t holding anything, he has a dog now. I wouldn’t worry too much, any dog this county could afford probably can’t tell when his girlfriend’s in heat. He’s parking in front of the diner. They musta made donuts today."
5:52 PM I open the door for Granny at her cabin: "Oh, thank you Jesus Karma for seeing me home safe again! There is no sweeter sight in the world than this old cabin. Come in, A.B. I’ll let you have some pizza. No? Just dump the things inside the door, I need to wrap them." ..."Here, A.B., for gas. I said take it. Here, give it to your Honey, then. I didn’t ask you how much gas costs, did I? Don’t worry about it. When I die there’ll be ravens and vultures over my carcass and through my drawers, this is something I can give you now. Thanks, A.B. You’re a good man. Call me when you get home, I don’t want to have to walk the road lookin’ in the crick."
