Note: I only report these, I don’t claim to know what they mean. A.B.

Every once in a while a politician says what he means. It’s horrifying and embarrassing for everyone involved, like when the family comes home to find Grandpa asleep on the couch with a girlie magazine open on his boxers and a cigarette burnt out on the coffee table.

If we’re really made in God’s image we’d have to expect great clouds of gas moving through the universe.

When you first start to get old you make a list of things you lose: teeth, hearing, continence. Eventually, your memory goes and lists don’t frighten you anymore.

Reading a newspaper is like looking in your undies before you toss them in the wash: you probably should know what’s in there, but there’s never going to be a rainbow, and if you’re lucky all you’ll you see is ordinary shit.

More boys would be cheerleaders for girl’s sports teams if they realized they’d be riding for long distances, often in the dark, with a bus load of horny young girls at their physical peak. Hell, you could have old men as cheerleaders if you liked. Probably lose a lot of them to the trip.

Probably the most important thing government does is to capture trouble makers and put them behind desks where their toxic energy is spent on hours of pointless bureaucracy. They still bring you trouble, but it takes them a lot longer, and in the mean time you’ve stimulated the economy.

(To some teenagers in typical dress hanging out and smoking cigarettes on the street in town) You kids were probably going to look back in a few years on your behavior today and be terribly embarrassed, but in case you weren’t let me just tell you: you look pretty stupid today.

This is the greatest country in the world, and anybody who doesn’t think so was probably born somewhere else.

You can always trust your relatives in business, your best friend with your wife, and the government with your safety.

People who pray over every little thing must really irritate God, can you imagine? It’s like prayer spam, I bet. I thought you people believed God already knows everything, why annoy him with prayer? Isn’t faith actually courage with the decisions God made about your life? Figure out what you believe, for God’s sake.