Extra Credit

(Note: there have been some spelling corrections, and names have been changed, mostly. A.B.)

I’m doing this because I am flunking english and need extra credit. I’m 15 and of course a boy. My teacher read us things from this site, but not everything. She said if I wrote something and Mr. Blinken put it on his site, she would raise my grade and I would get a D for last semester.

I don’t know what to say there is nothing to do here for a kid. It will be a couple of months before school is out and the tourist girls come back to town. During summer Jack and my little brother Turdy and I cruise town on our bikes looking for tourist chicks. Sometimes we catch a ride to the lake and we have a raft we built up there. We get on the raft and pole around the edge of the lake, hoping to catch some trout or maybe some girls in bathing suits. Last summer we saw a girl with no top on! We don’t think. We were a little too far out and she saw us coming and went up the trail, but Jack has sharp eyes and can see good a long way, and he says we saw nipples. But it isn’t summer now, and there aren’t any tourist girls, and the girls we have never show nipples, and some probably don’t even have nipples, or tits, I mean.

There isn’t anything to do in town. The new sheriff is a freak and hates all kids. Turdy and I were riding the four wheeler through town like we always did and the new sheriff pulled us over and told us he’d take our four wheeler if he caught us riding it in town again, and we told him our Dad would get drunk and kick his ass if he took the four wheeler, and he probably would, too, but only after he beat me and Turdy to warm up. So, now we can’t even do some of the things we used to do.

Everyone here is pretty hard ass, and they all know our mom and dad. David Wick had to go to juvie because Ed Hickam got pictures on his cell phone of Davy peeking in Deborah William’s window. Deborah William’s step dad had to go to jail because of what Davy saw. It just shows how troubles build on troubles, as Dad says. He says it pays to avoid trouble when you can. Whenever me and Turdy go out, Dad always says, "you little peckerheads keep your noses clean." Dad hasn’t been to jail for years now, it seems like.

I don’t know how long this has to be, Mrs. Butterbutt just said, "Write something that shows how it is to be a kid around here." Her name isn’t really Mrs. Butterbutt, it’s really Mrs. Butterfield, but come on, and besides, her butt is really big, and when she writes fast on the board her body wiggles one way and her butt wiggles the other way. Eddie Qulac said some day her underwear are going to catch on fire from friction, and Mrs. Butterbutt will become a grease fire and they’ll have to have a special fire instinguisher to put her out. I guess it is OK to be a kid around here. Some kids are rich, and they have the best dirt bikes and the best snowmobiles and the best four wheelers and the best jet skis. They have snowsuits and cool helmets. Me and Turdy have grandpa’s old snowmobile, but it’s heavy and slow, but still we have a good time when rich kids aren’t around on their hot snowmobiles. We have to wear the same helmets we do when we ride on Dad’s Harley, but we take them off and tie them to the back of the seat so we can see where the hell we’re going. She’s heavy, but once the old bitch gets moving she hauls ass, and when you’re dodging pine trees and rocks you only remember where they are from last summer, you have to be able to see, and you can’t be wearing no stinking hog bucket. Besides, if something goes wrong me and Turdy plan to jump and just land in the snow. We only practiced it once, jumping off with the snowmobile hauling ass. It isn’t something you want to do very much, I limped for three days, and Turdy burned off some of his hair and skin on the snow crust, and it still hasn’t grown in to fill the patch, and Turdy has to comb his hair over it.

The only other thing there is to do is go to Sunday School, which Ma goes to Church and me and Turdy and our little sister Melissa go to Sunday School. There are at least other kids there. The Sunday school teacher Miss Hamilton thinks we’re all stupid. She doesn’t have real kids of her own. She calls us Little Lambs. She’s the one who’s stupid. Every Sunday Hank Henry and Bea Chimsky ask to be excused to use the bathroom at the same time and they go into the janitor closet and make out. Bea is 16 and we’re pretty sure she buffs Hank’s helmet in there. Turdy found this little tiny movie camera on the net but we don’t have the 49.95 and shipping to get it. When we do, we’ll find out what Hank and Bea do in there, and we’ll find out a lot of other things, too. Miss Hamilton reads us Bible stories out of a book. She does puppet shows. We watch DVDs. She brought in some Godly art, and when she showed us a picture of the ArchAngel Gabriel, Dan Howers said, how come we wears a dress? Miss Hamilton said it wasn’t a dress they were robes. Dan said how come he doesn’t wear pants, is he a man or a woman? Miss Hamilton said angels aren’t man or woman. Dan said, what’s between their legs if not sausage or scrambled eggs? Miss Hamilton said angels are smooth between their legs. Dan has two sisters and he said, like a doll? Miss Hamilton said, yes. Dan said, so I’m better hung than the ArchAngel Gabriel? We watched a movie then but we all heard Miss Hamilton crying in the back of the room and thought it was just feakin’ hilarious.

So, that’s how it is to be a kid here.

Lester